Learning to Move Through Grief Fear

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Fear of Dying - Fear of Living

Fear is an emotion that we all experience at some point in our lives, but most people are not aware that fear is also embodied within our grief journey. When not recognized, fear gives seeds to other emotions such as anger, guilt, regret and remorse. All of these emotions can invade you when you have lost a loved one and often it is very difficult to recognize them as being separate, as the cause of one may lead to another.

Fear is a destructive emotion and more so when you find yourself alone, or for want of a better analogy, the root and branch of your favorite tree has been cut off. Your security blanket has been ripped off and you start to face all sorts of bombardment from negative thoughts within your mind; thoughts that never serve you well.

Facing Your Fear

You may wonder why you never feel your loved ones near you or why, when you hear that someone else has had an amazing experience with the afterlife, you haven’t. The truth is that you could be blocking yourself through fear. And even if you deny your fear, you will eventually have to face it.

There are many variations of fear within grief and each has an attachment to an emotion. Be it anger, regret, remorse or sadness, there is an element of fear that holds you back. In particular, we often fear things that we feel are out of our control and that can cause you to feel weak within yourself. Fear is just part of the illusion that blocks communication and there is nothing to fear but fear itself, after all.

Grief Fear

~ Fear of being alone

~ Fear of living your life without your loved ones

~ Fear of life

~ Fear of guilt

~ Fear of disengaging

~ Fear of the material

~ Fear of the spiritual

Many counsellors often consider fear to be the same as anxiety. However, I would like to put another hypothesis forward and suggest that anxiety is a product of your fear. The very nature of fear means we actually fear – fear. And so, the cycle continues and you create a fog around you that is impenetrable to your loved ones in spirit. Fear is a natural part of you. It is the essence of your own being that teaches you valid lessons of spiritual growth.

The next by-product of this destructive emotion is, of course, anger. Anger of being left alone, anger with God, anger with family and anger at yourself. This emotion evolves from within you and intensifies your anxiety. Oftentimes, we can start to feel so dejected from humanity and distanced from love, that life does not feel like it is worth living anymore. Your anger has fed the fear, the fear has fed the anger and both have exacerbated the anxiety.

Communicating with loved ones in spirit

You will not be able to have the communion with your loved ones that you desire if you do not face your fear and anger, or the responsibility that you put upon yourself or the guilt that can also arise from within. Some people move through this phase quickly but others lock themselves in shackles that are manifested from within. Now is the time to break those self-created shackles of bondage and learn to communicate with your emotions in order to communicate with your loved ones.

So how do we move through this and how do we learn acceptance of fear? You must accept this as part of you and learn to communicate with your own being so that you reach an understanding within. It’s part of your emotional code, and is also related to lessons that you must learn. We need fear just like we need the ego, but we have to understand fear in order to learn the language of the soul. Once this is done, we can finally let go of the fear and join with our loved ones. I know it is easier said than done. The first stage is to allow yourself to fear, and don’t think of it as a bad thing. Accept it as you would hold a crying child in your arm and carry it with love to quell that fear within. Understanding and acceptance create compassion toward both our self and our fear.

Moving through emotions

Have a grief journal and note all the times when you feel fear. Write down your real feelings without having to explain yourself to anyone. Each time you finish writing, no matter how short or how long it is, finish with an affirmation that you allow your fear and anger to move through and past you like a gentle breeze. Do not fight it. Visualize it moving through you and write it to yourself. No one needs to know. It’s time to let go.

When you feel emotions rising within you again, take some time to just be – talk to your fear, talk to your anger or any other emotion that arises. Say something within such as:

~ I realize that you are there fear, and I accept that lesson, but you can’t stay. Leave now in love and blow forward in a spirits breeze. Goodbye fear!

Something like this for every emotion will help you to move beyond it and create a space for positivity, love, compassion and understanding. The very energy that spirit needs in order to reach you.

Breathe Through Your Fear

The breath is the very essence of life and is divine in nature. It also holds the keys to your emotions and they key to controlling your fear. And breath is the key to communication with loved ones.

We often take breathing for granted. It is a natural response and something we do without conscious thought. However, when we bring the mindfulness of our breathing from our consciousness, wonderful things ensue. In Bonds of Love Through Grief, we talked about the power and benefits of deep breathing. Now we can take this one step further to help you with your fear and your anger.

When you feel those emotions arising within you, it is important to recognize and validate them without feeding them. Take time to become aware of your breath and this time, breathe in deeply and exhale deeply. The space between the in breath and the out breath, is the space in which you let go.

Visualize your negative emotions all floating away on balloons – carried by a loving breeze. Do this 3 times in succession and then stop. Each time you do this when you feel those emotions, you will realign yourself with the real divine energy that is your true self. This is one of the first stages to learning to move through elements of grief that allow you to feel the love you thought you lost. Your loved ones in spirit are there and they are waiting.

Feel the fear and let it leave.

Blessings to you all.

Note: This article was originally published in the Afterlife Magazine by The Otherside Press which has since joined the PDN group.